I Shudder to Pray these Lines

In this time of seemingly daily revelations and accusations of misconduct by people in positions of power and public responsibility, I was challenged and shaken by the prayer of Psalm 17:3,5. “If you (God) try my heart, if you visit me by night, if you test me, you will find no wickedness in me; my mouth does not transgress. … My steps have held fast to your paths; my feet have not slipped.” As much as I aspire to live a righteous life as a faithful disciple of Jesus, I am all too aware that my voice, steps, and heart are not in full congruence with Jesus. As I long for the confidence to dare to pray these lines, I shudder. Nothing was so abhorrent to Jesus as self-righteousness.

Out of the sordid messes that are being exposed, seems to be coming at least a remote possibility of a cultural shift that no longer gives prominent people a pass on living by the standards of decency we should be expecting from ourselves and those all around us. The sense of outrage is understandable and justified. Having said that, I am wrestling with how to express and affirm outrage without plunging into deadly self-righteousness. I am seeking to discern the boundaries between passing thoughtless, casual words and acts and persistent patterns of misconduct. I am puzzling over what kind of repentance and penance could precede restoration. Most of all I agonize for a path to healing and wholeness for those who have been wounded.

Public attention is focused on sexual misconduct at the moment, but careful attention to each instance exposes abuses of power and manipulation of money. I remember reading Richard Foster’s 1985 book Money, Sex, and Power and his observation that the ancient monastic vows of poverty, chastity and obedience were antidotes to the lure of these traps. That sexual abuse is more about power than sex is axiomatic. Sex is reduced to a weapon for demeaning and oppressing those who are considered weak and inferior. Not far below the surface of all of these recent revelations is a tangled web of money, sex, and power.

When a prominent figure we disagree with gets caught in this web, we are prone to gloat and assume it grows from their worldview. When a prominent figure we have respected get caught in this web, we are prone to regret and rationalize and hope for restoration. The reality is that hypocrisy runs rampant in all ideological, political, philosophical, and theological camps. Conservatives violate their own loudly proclaimed calls for traditional moral rectitude. Liberals violate their own loudly proclaimed calls for the rights and dignity of women, children, and the poor and weak. No profession or social identification is immune. Not government or politics, not sports or entertainment, not business or community service, not religion or education. I have had way too much experience with money, sex, and power misconduct among my clergy colleagues.

I wish I could offer a satisfying conclusion, but I cannot. Instead, I come back to being prompted to pray from Psalm 17 this morning. While I cannot, dare not, pray those lines as though I had somehow achieved them without falling into self-righteousness, I am praying that my stumbling steps to follow Jesus will bring me to an ever closer approximation of what they affirm. Yes, and a gratitude that, as Paul wrote in Romans 5-6, by God’s grace the righteousness of Jesus is imputed to me. I also pray for both the people around me every day, and those in faraway places of prominence, that they, too, will aspire to such a prayer. “If you (God) try my heart, if you visit me by night, if you test me, you will find no wickedness in me; my mouth does not transgress. … My steps have held fast to your paths; my feet have not slipped.”