Spiritual direction by correspondence has a long and revered history. Some of the great spiritual classics are the collection of such letters: Brother Lawrence’s The Practice of the Presence of God, the writings of François Fénelon, The Cloud of Unknowing, and you may have your favorite. While correspondence lacks the immediacy, responsiveness and interpersonal connection of face to face holy conversation, it tends to be more reflectively formulated and is portable, reproducible and can be shared with others. In this era of the internet, I have seen an assortment of articles and opinions about extending the spiritual correspondence tradition to e-mail. While e-mail spiritual correspondence can be reproduced and shared, I wonder if it will be as reflective as paper correspondence, since clicking off a reply is so easy? I have recently had occasion for some e-mail spiritual correspondence that covered distances and relationships that probably wouldn’t have happened with paper correspondence. As I looked back on it, I realized that I was covering some material I have frequently addressed face to face, and that perhaps making it more widely available would benefit others too. Though it developed over time in the give and take of correspondence, I have synthesized and edited to make self-contained essays, from which I hope I have removed anything that might be identifying or embarrassing to those with whom I had the original correspondence, should they ever read it. However, I certainly don't consider this is the same league with the spiritual classics, only inspired by the written form.
I'm sorry to learn of your mother's passing. I do trust you will receive peace and comfort as time goes by. This is not something you "get over" but becomes part of your new reality.
Extending kindness in a time a grieving can be healing, but if that does not seem to work out that does not mean you are being punished for your kindness. In any stress, especially grieving, knowing your limits is important so you do not extend yourself so far that your ability to function and care is impaired.
When your doctor suggested eliminating the source of stress, I thought about something that famine relief workers have to deal with. After serving very basic food to starving people all day, they can feel guilty about eating a substantial supper in the evening. However, not to do that weakens them so that they can't go on helping the starving people. I am wondering if some of what you are experiencing is the stress of caring that is stretching you out beyond your emotional resources, coming so soon after your mother's passing.
Something I often say to the people in my congregation when they face overwhelming problems is that I can't fix the really important things that go wrong, but I can promise you will not have to go through this alone. You asked about getting yourself back in shape to where you can get back to giving in a healthy way. My suggestion is to connect with some people who you trust and who make no demands on you. As a pastor, I find that for many people this happens in a church. Some people in this congregation have just showed up when they needed those kinds of relationships.
Specifically in regards to losing your mother I have found a lot of comfort in 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 that talks about grieving with hope. Grief is real and important, not to be suppressed, but it can be the path to growth and healing when accompanied with hope. I copied it here (from NRSV) to saving having to look it up.
"We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about those who have died, so that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have died. For this we declare to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will by no means precede those who have died. For the Lord himself, with a cry of command, with the archangel’s call and with the sound of God’s trumpet, will descend from heaven, and the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up in the clouds together with them to meet the Lord in the air; and so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words."
Many people, especially those with Roman Catholic background, feel some peace as they pray the Rosary when they grieve by coming back again and again to the line "pray for us now and in the moment of our death." This assures them that they are not alone in this ultimate human mystery. I'm not recommending praying to the Virgin Mary, but only acknowledging how people draw assurance by repeating that line. Indeed, your mother was not alone as she died, and neither are you alone now. This kind of prayer is about our longing to get in touch with God at the deepest core of our being, beyond where there are words. I believe this is what Romans 8:26-27 is about.
"The Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words. And God, who searches the heart, knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God."
I take this to mean that God invites us to open our hearts and give God permission to enter into our deepest wounds and pain - things we dare not even speak. We can do this confidently even in the face of death because Jesus has experienced death, yet he lives to guide and accompany us on our own journey through the end of this life and as we grieve the loss of those we love. He has been and is still there for and with us.
Some people sense the presence of the loved one for some time after they are gone and others do not, but they may wish they did. Neither is right or wrong but may just be that different people grieve in different ways. Perhaps some reflection on the communion of saints will be helpful when you miss your mother.
You might think this way. If those who have go ahead of us from this life are in the presence of God, and if we are in the presence of God when we pray and worship, then we are sharing the experience of God's presence, even if we are not sharing each other's presence. In fact, if we believe that those who have gone ahead of us are even more keenly aware of being with God than we are, we can be thankful on their behalf.
I would also suggest that when you pray you can tell God the things you would like to be able to say to your mother. This is not so much that God will pass your messages to your mother, but more that God cares about both you and her and happily listens to your concerns as any good friend would. I don't mean that any of this will make the hurt go away, only that God cares about your hurt and listens to you.
I have found that the Psalms have greatly enriched and shaped my prayers. Actually, I have prayed through the Psalms once a month for forty years. The Psalms capture every possible human emotion and give us a way to express them to God and to ourselves, even when we are unable to find words. Also, they give us permission to be honest with God. As you grieve, you might want to start with Psalms 116, 139 and 88.
You do not need to stop thinking about your mom. Grief is a process in which you grow gradually, and you do not really get over it and leave it behind, but it becomes a part of a more mature you. Each time you think about your mom, you can breathe a brief prayer: give thanks for something you cherish about her, tell God how much you love and miss her, ask God to let you honor her in some way today.
You might want to write/type Psalm 31:1-5 on a card you can carry around and read when you feel overwhelmed by thoughts of your mom. I think that will be better than trying to make moving on a goal that you work toward. Let God move you along at a pace that is good for you. Here it is from NRSV: “In you, O LORD, I seek refuge; do not let me ever be put to shame; in your righteousness deliver me. Incline your ear to me; rescue me speedily. Be a rock of refuge for me, a strong fortress to save me. You are indeed my rock and my fortress; for your name’s sake lead me and guide me, take me out of the net that is hidden for me, for you are my refuge. Into your hand I commit my spirit; you have redeemed me, O LORD, faithful God.”
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