In the prayer
time at the end of worship with Milwaukee Mennonite Church (February 23). Chris
Gooding asked for prayer for the L’Arche Communities in the wake of revelations
that Jean Vanier, L’Arche founder, had engaged in totally inappropriate sexual
behavior with a number of women for many years – apparently “coached” in this
by his mentor Fr. Thomas Philippe. Thankfully (I suppose) these were not “core
members” (mentally disabled L’Arche members), but a group that was seeking
spiritual (mystical) experience. As a “spiritual director,” Vanier (and Philippe)
as it were, seduced these women into sexual acts with them presented as
experiences with the love of Jesus and/or Mary. I cringe even to write this. Apparently
the group was a guise for Vanier (and Philippe) to recruit, groom, select, and
misuse women as sexual predators are wont to do.
On hearing
this, I became so distressed that I broke down and wept in worship. Thought I had
not met Jean Vanier, our four months with L’Arche Daybreak in 1992 brought me into
the circle of his influence. His presence was clear in the community. I read
much of his writing and came to regard him as something of a personal hero. When
it comes to my spiritual understanding of people who are weak and marginalized (poor,
minorities, immigrants, etc.) he definitely shaped my thinking. And now I am
asking myself if I have inadvertently absorbed evil, destructive thought
patterns too. I am feeling fragile and vulnerable.
If Jean Vanier (regarded
with respect among those who are concerned for people with mental disabilities
almost of the level of Mother Teresa) could crash this way, I am certainly not
exempt or immune, though I know of nothing in my past on a comparable level. But
this is not a limited experience. John Howard Yoder contributed much, not only
to my pacifist Christian ethic, but also my whole adult life Anabaptist
worldview. And I did meet and correspond with him. As I have pondered the Barman
Declaration that seems to me to be so relevant to the schism in the US churches
in the Trump era. I am troubled by learning more about Karl Barth’s adultery and
questioning whether his writing can be trusted.
Then in my Prayer
Psalms today, I encountered these lines that seemed to give me a way to pour
this out to God.
Psalm
25:17
Relieve
the troubles of my heart, and bring me out of my distress.
Psalm
25:21
May
integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for you.
Psalm
55:4-8
My
heart is in anguish within me, the terrors of death have fallen upon me. Fear
and trembling come upon me, and horror overwhelms me. And I say, “O that I had
wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest; truly, I would flee far
away; I would lodge in the wilderness; I would hurry to find a shelter for
myself from the raging wind and tempest.”
Psalm
55:12-14
It
is not enemies who taunt me— I could bear that; it is not adversaries who deal
insolently with me— I could hide from them. But it is you, my equal, my
companion, my familiar friend, with whom I kept pleasant company; we walked in
the house of God with the throng.
With Candy’s Alzheimer’s,
I cannot discuss this with her, so it stews within me, even as I try to keep
her from seeing my inner distress.
I have an
appointment this morning with my therapist, Lonna Kannenberg, and will explore
how to deal with this, and Candy, and her Dad (with whom I had a good time
yesterday talking while working on his taxes), but not the direct spiritual
implications. Thursday I am getting together with Peter Eash-Scott of Milwaukee
Mennonite Church. It’s been a while, but these have been good conversations. I’ve
asked my spiritual director, Matthew Keiser, for an appointment to really look
at the spiritual angle of my concern (appointment on Thursday March 5).
While Lonna is
older than my sons (I believe she’s also a grandmother), she’s younger than I
am, which is normal now that I am in my 70s. But Peter and Matthew are the same
generation as my sons, and I know they have articulated some level of looking to
me as a model, while I am very aware that I am looking to them to help me on
this journey. I guess looking down a generation for guidance and support is
normal as we embark on the final laps of our race (with a cloud of witnesses
cheering as they wait for us, per Hebrews 12:1-2).
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